As always, I am a punchline.

Wednesday, April 29th

So, a woman walks into a doctor’s office for a physical exam.  The doctor doesn’t speak English, and the woman in the story doesn’t speak Chinese. The doctor motions for the chick to get in the table for an EKG—which the chick in this story just did at the end of December but whatever—and gets the patient to lift her shirt, undershirt, and bra over her boobs.  Just then, as the last dignifying electrode is suctioned on to the patient’s skin, an Indian guy (that is to say, a guy from India) just walks on on the room and squawks, none too manly-like, “OMG SORRY!!!”  And then I got blood work.  

I mean.  The girl in the story.  Not me, man.  No one saw my ta-tas day three in the country.  (sigh)  

So, a patient goes into a phlebotomist’s office obviously freaked out and nervous.  The phlebotomist through her mask, while managing to look bored and annoyed-yet-trying-to-be-comforting at the same time, tells the patient to relax.  And then proceeds to pull out a needle so fucking massive and WIDE that the blind-as-a-bloody-bat patient (who was trying to will gravity to keep the tears forming in her eyes to stay) could see the fucking hole of the needle through her myopic, tear-soaked eyes.  Seriously.  It really felt like the woman just had at my arm with a Capri-Sun straw.  I am bruised and sore like a mo-fo.

Anyway.  Last night I had to forgo dinner and missed my free breakfast this morning in preparation for my doctor’s visit today.  When I was a teacher back in the States, during the last week of school, every teacher is given a checklist of things they need to get signed off on and different rooms they need to visit.  That’s how the medical exam worked for me in China as I continue to pursue a legal residency.  I was given a form with eight different doctors I needed to check with all in the same building.  It was the Ford Motor Company Assembly Line of Good Health.  One room was blood pressure.  One room was an ultrasound.  So on and so forth.  The doors are just open and if no one is in the room, you just walk in and hand the doctor (?) the paperwork they need to stamp.  I am sure I am not the first pair of boobs some guy got the BLOODY PRIVILEGE to see.  My favorite was the vision check where, in that office on that day, not one scrap of Fucks was given. So, it was one of those vision charts where the letter E is facing different ways.  Up, down, left, right.  The Doctor (I’m capitalizing this.  This is a name, not a title, in this case) pointed to an E facing left.  Uh, what do I say?  “The E is facing left?”  “It looks like a 3?”  My brain stuttered out an, “okay.” Doctor seemed cool with that answer and pointed to a few more, which I said “okay” to.  And he was like, yeah, sure.  Fuck.  Whatever.  Stamp.  Go.  

Nice.

Let’s see.  Blood work, EKG, ultrasound, chest X-ray, blood pressure, vision… that might have been it.  

Oh.  Here’s another one.

The air pollution is really bad in a major city.  The pollution is so bad, any car on this day with a license plate ending in 2 or 8 isn’t allowed to drive. Wait, yeah.  They CAN, but they can’t take the freeways.  Instead, all cars with a license plate ending in 2 or 8 can’t use the freeways.  All cars with a license plate ending in 2 or 8 must take alternative routes which take longer and require more driving time.  The solution, of course, to too much pollution from vehicles to to make 10% of the cars driving longer and further.  Makes sense to me.  A drive to my clinic which could have been 15-20 min, took over 65.  One way.  

Moving on.  Lunch was yummy, didn’t observe any classes today, but I guess Monica and I will always go to another school for a meeting on Wednesdays.  This requires taking a cab and leaving our school at 1.  I got to meet two other English teachers in my company who work at a private school.  One of the teachers was doing centers so Monica and I each grabbed a center to facilitate.  The guy made a comment about me getting, “baptized by fire” and, while I know it is totally reasonable for him to think I have never taught before, he might have just made an enemy for life with his little patronizing comment. Time will tell.

After a fun-filled day of being a teacher in China, I mooched my coworker’s internet and got to update my Facebook and this little blog of mine.  I also bought an electric fan for my bedroom (the AC is in the living room and I am NOT going to cool the entire apartment just to get my bedroom cool) and some face masks.  Dinner consisted of an apple, a cucumber, and a tall beer ‘cause I am an adult and no one tells me what to do.  So, you know.  There is that.